Conflict resolution at work - the healing practice of forgiveness

We have all had experiences of running into problems with work colleagues due to a clash of values or even genuine misunderstandings of each other's intentions. In my previous posts I wrote about what happens when we try to pretend that these things aren't there and/or don't matter (the elephant in the room), or when we resort to defending ourselves from further misunderstanding by avoidance, minimisation and denial. The latter can result in the confusion of emotional incongruence between work colleagues and a breakdown of trust. If this situation is allowed to remain unchallenged then it will undermine our capacity to sustain harmonious working relationships characterised by openness and acceptance, which are essential to maximise productivity and an employee's investment in shared organisational values.

So, how to get from misunderstanding, poor trust and the resulting confusion of emotional incongruence, to the openness and vitality we need in work groups that enhance productivity and organisational development? We have looked at methods of addressing the elephant in the room, but too often 'the elephant' is the exploration of emotional realities in the workplace per-se, as many organisational cultures send out prohibitive messages about emotional processing at work. 'Don't bring your problems to work with you,' is a common shared assumption in many organisational work groups, however what about the problems generated at work by the emotional realities we face in our collegial relationships? We don't 'bring these to work', they are the inevitable consequence of a number of adults being in the same place for 7 to 8 hours a day, 5 to 6 days a week. In this situation you must expect a certain amount of conflict to arise.  Yet conflict can drive a lot of creative activity if accepted non-judgementally, aired openly and opportunities to achieve compromise and resolution are provided. When conflict is handled well it deepens trust and it enlarges the scope of workplace relationships to evolve into something more than task focused instruments of the organisation.  When work relationships become more than task orientated associations, they have the capacity to enhance well-being, increase productivity and enrich a shared vision. Individuals will then invest themselves wholly in their work life as passionately as they do elsewhere. When this happens, companies, organisations and work groups only benefit. 

But we will always have to deal with conflict, especially in an age of multiple communicative methods like email, instant messaging, texting, phones, video conferencing and old fashioned face to face contact, all of which can take place in an instant across massive geographic and cultural divides as the world has shrunk to a global village. We have so many more opportunities to misunderstand each other, and an avoidance of that reality risks entrenching organisations in methods of working that are outdated for life in the 21st century, rendering them non-competitive and ineffective. We have to face it- the potential for conflict AND creativity increases the more we communicate, and especially so the more we communicate across cultural divides. We cannot have one without the other- the stimulating and dynamic energy of cultural diversity drives greater innovation, as much as it exposes us to more misinterpretation. This is not a bad thing.

I suggest that the way to move forward in an increasingly complex network of communication is for workers to be trained in cross cultural negotiation grounded in mindfulness and acceptance strategies. Essential to this is an open handed attitude to others that allows for misunderstandings and mutual forgiveness, rather than a defensive retreat to instrumental relationships riddled with incongruence. So often the pride that manifests when parties are involved in frozen conflict imprisons us in fear and resentment underneath pro-social greetings and smiles . And underneath the frozen conflict is a disappointed desire to be in harmony and achieve our mutual goals. So, after many years of working abroad in cultures very different to my own, I am evolving a much more flexible, forgiving attitude grounded in an open admission that I don't understand what's going on, or that I sense I may have made a mistake I am unaware of. Using humour also helps. Right now I work between the USA, the UK, India and Sri Lanka. Each culture is very distinct although Western and Eastern divides do broadly exist. I can only survive it and thrive in it by being flexible and open to learning from my periodic mistakes. When we convey some humility about our situation then people find it easy to forgive us…..it's our pride that gets in the way. Forgiveness frees us to learn, digest and expand our horizons to include a wider perspective. It's spacious and unifying. It makes work a source of nourishment and the organisation fit to thrive in the complexity of global communication networks. 

So let it go and let it be, but if it's not possible to be that detached, then do go into it, give it some air, accept the different perspectives, and then let it go anyway. Most of us are doing the best we can with the resources we have, so let's reach out in good faith to others, that given the opportunity, they are just as in favour of openness and harmony as we are.  Mistakes are made out of ignorance most often rather than malice, and underneath the confusion caused we will usually find a deeply held shared desire to get it right next time and move on. All it takes to thaw out frozen minds and hearts stuck in conflict is the warmth of the wisdom of forgiveness.

Love in the workplace

There are a lot of potential meanings attributed to the word ‘love’.  Here I wish to attend to the particular meaning of ‘unconditional love’, a term often used to describe the feeling a parent has for their child. Unconditional love is a love that is experienced regardless of the behaviour of the other, and regardless of whether such feelings are returned. It typifies what we expect of healthy relationships between family members. In religious circles it is also used to describe the feelings of the godhead for creation, including human beings, and the feelings between the religious teacher for their student, the priest for the flock, the sangha for the laity and guru for disciples. However, in the context of other peer based relationships, unconditional love can feel very risky and frightening. Should we find ourselves opening to another unconditionally, we are then completely open to the other as they are, with all their flaws, bad behaviour, and potential to hurt us, or even leave us. If we are open to the other unconditionally then whatever they do, we remain lovingly connected and accepting of them regardless. To love unconditionally is to be vulnerable and exposed to much potential suffering surely?
 

Yet as mindfulness practitioners we are choosing to remain aware and non-judgemental, regardless of the living quality of our experience. We accept whatever is happening as it is. So it follows if we are cultivating love in the context of mindful relating then it is unconditional love we wish to offer others and also offer ourselves. Unconditional love is based on the cultivation of the ‘four immeasurables’ or Brahmaviharas , metta- loving kindness, karuna- compassion, mudita- empathetic joy, and uppekha -equanimity. As mindfulness practitioners we aim to cultivate these qualities in our mind stream as antidotes to the negative emotions of hatred, harm, envy and clinging which tend to characterise the problematic areas of conditional loving relationships- when egos get entangled in webs of desire, longing, passion and aversion when things don’t go our way.
We can expereince feelings of love, compassion, joy in each other’s company, and sometimes a blissful peace when working on the common projects we value. Unconditional love between members of a common work group can generate a contextual field of loving awareness between us- non-judgemental, open, joyful and peaceful. But another set of concerns can arise about the appropriateness of deep positive feelings between colleagues. We can became afraid of the loving feelings and afraid of being misunderstood, so we can deny them to defend against such fears. But feelings of unconditional love rooted in the meditations on the brahmaviharas of loving kindness, compassion, joy and peace are an antidote to fear. Our developing intimacy as colleagues can have wholesome foundations. However in a culture which polices the workplace to try to ensure it is free of expressions of positive feelings between opposite sex colleagues, the shadow of a wholesome intimacy can be desire and sexuality, and a fear others would misunderstand intentions leading to a lot of trouble for everyone.

So how can you regulate for a workplace culture that allows for the development of loving kindness, compassionate action towards each other, joy in each other’s happiness and peaceful acceptance of the range of personalities and values we encounter in others? We can only do it by addressing the elephant in the room when shared fears arise… but it takes a lot of courage to do it, because the potential for mutual misunderstandings is huge.

I remember working in a University department once where the two main programme leaders wouldn’t speak to each other. They had similar qualifications and were similar ages. They had once been great friends. They were a man and woman- he had a committed relationship and children, she didn’t. Everyone talked about the stand-off, the mutual disdain between them, and the possible source of the conflict- something to do with love that had gone wrong. They both denied this. The atmosphere was awkward and tense in the whole place when they were in work together, and later when the man left, he told me that he never understood what went wrong, but that something had been very positive between them, that changed overnight into chaos and suffering.

They were not spiritual practitioners, but they were working a department of psychotherapy and counselling studies, so one would have expected them to be able to process and resolve conflict a bit more successfully. But sometimes, the ego is too threatened to open up and take in what is actually there. It prefers to project, judge, solidify experiences and defend itself against anticipated attack, ironically a counter attack- for doing just these things that cause suffering in the first place- judgement, solidifying, most often to shore up the defence of ‘self-protection’. It’s  a vicious cycle of projection rooted in fear, and the mistrust of the capacity of others to accept and understand us when we make ourselves vulnerable. 

A workplace culture that encourages the open expression of positive feelings and enables dialogue free of judgement, is flexible enough to shine the light of loving kindness into the shadows that haunt our hearts, and realise that feelings of all kinds are just part and parcel of the normal texture of living. We relate through feelings, not words, rules, policies and procedures, as much as certain types of managers may wish it could be otherwise. You cannot control the flow of feelings between people with words on paper, whether it’s at work or anywhere else. However, you can harness the creativity generated by the flow of positive feelings to increase productivity and support the thriving of the organisation. By accepting there are things we cannot control, we also free our hearts of fears that can otherwise drain energy away from working lovingly together, and instead get invested into defending ourselves, from breaking dehumanising rules that attempt to police emotional connections at work, for example. 

We can use mindful relating practices to learn to let loving kindness, compassion, joy and peace become the path we tread together, towards creating work places characterised by emotional literacy and creative energy, invested in a shared organisational vision.

Welcome to the Elephant in the Room...

Welcome to my new blog which will contain articles and reflections based upon my work as a mindfulness based personal development coach with ananda-veda.com 

My recent reflections have revolved around mindfulness in the workplace and the emotional literacy required to deal with 'the elephant in the room'. The elephant is an issue that remains unvoiced, unutterable, yet known to everybody present. It preoccupies workers involved to such an extent that it can interfere with productivity and colleagial relationships, which may become tense and 'overcharged' as a result. In my own work I once tried to address the elephant in the room with a colleague that I worked with as a consultant. Rather than bring up the issue in the workplace face to face where 'walls have ears', I began to address the issue by email. My invitation to meet was ignored, so I tried to address it further by email. I then waited patiently for a repsonse while nuzzling up to the trunk of my big grey friend...enduring a long radio silence.

So why do we sometimes find it so dfficult to deal with feelings and undercurrents to the point where we prefer to deny the existence of emotional reality, and put up a sanguine defence, pretending everything is ok, when we KNOW it is not? I know I've done this countless times, only to find later that I've not succeeded in making the elephant go away, I've just suppressed the issue, which increases the charge it carries over time and risks it surfacing mindlessly, even explosively, at a later date. We can take another path in service of professional values such as integrity, openness, honesty and trust - that is trust that colleagues can work it out together if we address the elephant mindfully. 

What can you do when close colleagues refuse to communicate about your concerns? I trawled the web looking for some resources and found some useful links. We cannot control the outcome of addressing the elephant, but by owning our own feelings first, explaining our resulting confusion, and requesting help with clarification on the situation, we can do our mindful best.

Motivation to contribute to shared project can suffer, in addressing one elephant one can uncover another, the mother elephant of avoidance can be shielding the baby elephant of emotional illiteracy... as it so often does. The result can be projects that go off the rails... the solution could be some emotional literacy training in the workplace. I endured the radio silence with my colleague at the time by up holding up my professional values elsewhere... and now I'm starting this blog and inviting others to share how they have dealt with their own 'elephants',... at work, at home, in relationships...mindfullly or not? I am especially interested to know how much damage emotional illiteracy does in the workplace, where the importance of emotional processing is so often minimised. I suggest that in the 21st century, the denial of emotional reality, which is the foundation of what it means to be human, must be openly addressed - at work as well as home - for people to remain productive. Let me know what you all think :-)